I am so incredibly lucky to live the life I live. Let’s start off with that, just because I feel like reminding myself. I’ve never been more grateful for my family and friends, especially in recent times. It is all luck of the draw – And I find it is so incredibly interesting to observe how people go about their lives.
It’s fascinating to think about the infinite paths you could take in life, as well as incredibly overwhelming. This was something that used to consume me entirely. I felt like I was at a crossroads; it was either this or that, no in between. I was mainly consumed by what direction I was going to go with my education and career path, but also how I was going to survive the rest of my life feeling the way I did. It mainly started as anxiety building up in my junior year of college and then it turned into a full blown state of panic, followed by extreme depression. The way I saw the world completely changed. I didn’t realize how negative my view on the world was until I came out of the fog, and reflecting back on that is one of the most freeing experiences ever.
It’s funny when you think about your past worries and genuinely laugh, but it all felt so real at the time. My therapist called me an incredible problem solver, except sometimes I would become so obsessed with a problem that I would go in circles with it. I would talk about it with my family, my friends, professors, strangers I ended up chatting with at a coffee shop. Trying to get any subtle hint of how they ‘made it in life’ so I could go research whatever career path they followed and see if it might settle some of my worries. Looking back on this I want to smack myself; number 1, mind your business, number 2, how long is it going to take you to realize that the whole obsession with “figuring things out” is just going to push you further down the rabbit hole? Whenever I spoke to my friends and family about this immense sense of worry they reassured me that it was going to take time, “I still don’t even know what I’m doing with my life!” my parents would say, and I’d just stare at them – classic RBF. Nothing helped. I hated the business minor that I picked up, I loved psychology but wasn’t sure I wanted to be a psychologist, and I liked to travel and shop, among lots of other things. I sat with this worry for what seemed like forever. It quite literally sent me into a spiral, along with a lot of other ‘issues’ going on in my life. Then one day I just decided to say “fuck it.”
I filled the next 10 months with the most traveling I have ever done in my entire life. I went all over Spain, Morocco and into the Sahara Desert, 3 different cities in Portugal, France, Monaco, Boston, Ireland 3 times – once in May, July and finally January, Cape Cod, New Jersey, Amherst for a while, Vermont, Montreal, West Palm Beach, London, Nashville, and now I’m writing this while traveling all around Utah – Park City down to Zion National Park and back up to Salt Lake City. Typing all of that out for the first time is wild. But it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did it all for me. Only two of those trips I went on with my family, the other ones were solo or with friends. I worked 3 jobs and over 40 hours a week sometimes the summer going into my junior year of college, as well as 9-5 for 3 months the summer after. And I am so fucking glad that I did. I know I can work my ass off, and I know I can have fun and live the life I want to live during and after I do it. I can’t even put into words how lucky I am to have learned lessons like this at such a young age. Like holy shit is that an amazing revelation to have. It’s one of those things that you watch your parents, friends, or famous people do and know it's possible, but when you do it yourself it is a euphoric experience.
That wasn’t the only thing traveling taught me. I finally got to see with my own eyes how astronomically fucking ginormous the world is. I went from smiling and hugging children in small villages of Northern Africa to sitting on Palm Beach, FL – swimming in some of the most gorgeous waves I’ve ever seen. I went through drastic change, after drastic change, after drastic change – and found myself in the midst of it. I literally followed the most cliche advice possible without even realizing it; when you stop looking for something, it will come to you. I poured myself into more creative opportunities than I ever have before; not only traveling but photography, drawing, interior decorating, and now writing. I made a change in some of the courses I was taking when I started my senior year of college and now know exactly what I want to go to graduate school for…at least at this moment. I found exactly what I was looking for because I stopped obsessing and took action. I focused on bettering myself and now feel like a completely different person. Although it was indescribably grueling at times.
Keep in mind, this took me over a year. And I’m not saying you need to get up and travel to almost 20 places in one year, but you need to do something. Experience new things, places, or people. Force yourself to observe the world around you. Do whatever you want, and if it makes you happy – know that it can't be that bad. Whatever it may be, as simple as you want. Because standing still is never going to change you. Nothing changes if nothing changes; another cliche I repeated to myself over and over again this year. I urge you with everything inside of me to do something with your precious days because the longer you wait, more and more will pass you by. And! It doesn’t have to be as expensive as it all sounds – I can write up some tips on that in the future…
As one of my favorite poets Mary Oliver says in her poem, The Summer Day, “Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Again, I write all of this because it is something I would’ve feasted on when I was going through the “figuring it out” period. Reading something like this may have catapulted me out of my anxiety spiral much sooner, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Love always xoxo,
Niamh Saoirse Fitzgerald :)
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